The Readings

“How will I know when to get married or even if I should get married?”

A question asked of me by a former student who has been living with a man for three years. Their romance began in college and kept right on going through graduate school and into the “real” world of jobs and setting up housekeeping. Marriage was not in their plans because as long as things worked out just living together and taking one day at a time, why should they mess with a good thing? But she’s twenty-seven now. “And…well…you know…” she says, shrugging with eyebrows raised in that gesture people use when words can’t get at exactly what’s on their minds.

Well, I do know, as a matter of fact. One of the long-term benefits of having taught school is the ongoing relationship with people who come along behind me going through all the stages of growing older. And I’ve had this conversation before. Quite a few befores, actually.

Here’s Fulghum’s Formula for Marriage Testing, as passed on to my young friend:

“Heather, give me your first gut reaction to three questions.” She’s ready.

“First, if I asked you to take me and introduce me to the person you’ve known at least five years and would think of as your closest friend in the world, who would it be?”

Her eyes answer. “Him.”

“Second, if I asked you to take me to where ‘home’ is for you, where would it be?”

Her eyes answer. “Wherever he is.”

“Third, do you ever lie in bed at night with him, cuddled up spoon fashion, your backside to his front-side, and his arms around you and neither of you is thinking of sex; instead you are thinking how content you are just being there like that—at home with your closest friend, who just happens to be the man you love?”

Quiet. She was in tears. “How did you know?”

Well, for one thing, I have a home of my own.

And I told her that if he feels the same way, they’re married and just don’t know it yet. I pronounced them husband and wife right there. It’s only a question of whether or not she wants to have a party to celebrate that.

Marriage is a vital social institution. The exclusive commitment of two individuals to each other nurtures love and mutual support; it brings stability to our society. For those who choose to marry, and for their children, marriage provides an abundance of legal, financial, and social benefits. In return it imposes weighty legal, financial, and social obligations….Without question, civil marriage enhances the “welfare of the community.” It is a “social institution of the highest importance.” It is central to the way the Commonwealth identifies individuals, provides for the orderly distribution of property, ensures that children and adults are cared for and supported whenever possible from private rather than public funds, and tracks important epidemiological and demographic data….Marriage also bestows enormous private and social advantages on those who choose to marry. Civil marriage is at once a deeply personal commitment to another human being and a highly public celebration of the ideals of mutuality, companionship, intimacy, fidelity, and family…. Because it fulfils yearnings for security, safe haven, and connection that express our common humanity, civil marriage is an esteemed institution, and the decision whether and whom to marry is among life’s momentous acts of self-definition….It is undoubtedly for these concrete reasons, as well as for its intimately personal significance, that civil marriage has long been termed a “civil right.”…Civil marriage anchors an ordered society by encouraging stable relationships over transient ones…. It is undeniably true that dramatic historical shifts in our cultural, political, and economic landscape have altered some of our traditional notions about marriage, including the interpersonal dynamics within it, the range of responsibilities required of it as an institution, and the legal environment in which it exists.

If I should die this very moment

I wouldn’t fear

For I’ve never known completeness

Like being here

Wrapped in the warmth of you

Loving every breath of you

Still in my heart this moment

Or it might burst

Could we stay right here

Until the end of time, until the earth stops turning

Wanna love you until the seas run dry

I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

All this time I’ve loved you

And never known your face

All this time I’ve missed you

And searched this human race

Here is true peace

Here my heart knows calm

Safe in your soul

Bathed in your sighs

Wanna stay right here

Until the end of time

til the earth stops turning

Gonna love you until the seas run dry

I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

The one I’ve waited for

All I’ve known

All I’ve done

All I’ve felt was leading to this

All I’ve known

All I’ve done

All I’ve felt was leading to this

Wanna stay right here

til the end of time till the earth stops turning

I’m gonna love you till the seas run dry

I’ve found the one I’ve waited for

The one I’ve waited for

The one I’ve waited for

if i love You

(thickness means

worlds inhabited by roamingly

stern bright faeries

if you love

me) distance is mind carefully

luminous with innumerable gnomes

Of complete dream

if we love each (shyly)

other, what clouds do or Silently

Flowers resembles beauty

less than our breathing